Dear Corn Mo:
Hi. I need advice from you about the ladies. I have no luck with them. From an objective point of view I realize that I am too chubby and pretty weird looking (authentic weird, not an affected look), but at the same time I have the (much dreaded!) "good personality."

Things between I and the fairer sex have not been working out well for me as of late and I need your guidance on what I should to to better woo them. I figured that you, being a traveling musician and circuteer, might have some some invaluable advice for me.

I look forward to your response. Rawk on!
"Friend" (name withheld to protect privacy)

Dear Friend
This is the first of many advice letters that you will get from me because everyone likes to give advice.

First of all, your "authentic weird" look is your best asset. There are girls that want to bang Steve Buscemi and Jack Black and Gibby Haynes and even Clint Howard. Don't worry about your "good personality". This will make it harder for her to leave you in the future.

One thing you can do is invite a girl to watch a movie at your house. If she doesn't know what you're gonna watch then you're good for the "Judge Reinhold plan to get laid." When I lived in Denton, TX, Judge Reinhold was in town shooting the movie, "Daddy's Dyin' Who's got the Will?" During his stay, he took a hot lady to the local video store. Instead of picking up "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" he picked up one of his shitty movies.

The video clerk leaned over the table and said, "Don't you want to show her a better movie?"

Judge replied, "Dude, I'm gonna get laid."

Ergo, rent something cool to watch so she is impressed by your taste and then slide in the "bad" movie so that she won't feel guilty in making out with you. My favorite "bad" movie to put in right now is "The Experts" with John Travolta and Arye Gross. It's the movie that Travolta met his future wife, Kelly Preston. So, it's a good conversation piece for getting a piece of ass.