Dear kittenpants:
I fucking hate nicknames.

Did I ever give you or anyone else permission to call me anything but Nick? Nicknames are for people that share their bath water. Or smoke homegrown like cigarettes. I have a name. I like my name. People call me everything but Nick. They call me Moose or Grimace (you know that fat thing in the McDonalds commercials) because I'm fat. They call me Nick Danger or Nikolai. Or Nicodemus. Or Skylab. Or habi. 

I notice all the writers at your fucking place have fucking nicknames. That is so gay. I have a nickname for you all . How about losers? Ha. I would rather be called fatty fat pig. 

If I must have a nickname call me fatpigmaneating Let me, the fatpigmaneating, choose the nickname. Do not impose your cute nicknames on me. you fucks. Rub me with a damp animal pelt. Or not at all.

Sincerely,
Nick

Dear Fatpigmaneating:
Hi.

I either really love you or really hate you. I'm not sure which.

Do I know you? Did I give you a nickname? I don't think so.  And isn't it funny how you hate "Nicknames" when your "name" is "nick"?

Anyway, I promise not to address you by any other name. Or at all.

Good luck with your "issues".
xoxo,
kitten