Dear Snack Monkey:
How do you tell people who are trying to be your friends to leave you the hell alone, without hurting their feelings?

Christina

Dear Christina:
That's a tough question for me, since no one ever wanted to be my friend.

The way I see it, though, your choices are as follows:

1. move
2. fake your own death
3. stop brushing your teeth
4. give them herpes
5. send the snack monkey snacks, preferably Mr. Goodbars

Good luck in ditching your friends, you heartless gorgon.

All the best,
Snack Monkey