Dear kittenpants:
I am sad. When I went with you to the monster truck extravaganza you took something of mine--the key to my chastity belt. Mind you, it might have been on accident, but months later I can only sleep with my legs tied together with rusted chains.

Please return the key to my chastity belt. I know you have it. Please please send it back to me, along with my fake Burt Reynolds mustache.

P.S. I own the largest ethnic hair care supply store in my town, I can hook you up with some weave. Holla shot calla.

Mr. Jackson Grant Willis, Esquire

Dear Mr. Jackson Grant Willis, Esquire:
I had the weirdest sex dream about Burt Reynolds last week. It was about 70's Burt Reynolds, but still, I don't think that's happened since the 70s. I mean, to anyone, not me. This was the first sex dream about Burt Reynolds that I ever had.

Why would I give you the key AND the fake BR moustache? That can only lead to the kind of fun that I would want to be around for.

I will think about it.
xoxo,
kittenpants