Dear Corn Mo:
I have a desk job and my co-worker sits very close. He bothers me, for many reasons. One of them is that he constantly scratches his "package" which makes me uncomfortable. He does it so much--the rubbing and the grinding. I feel like he must require some type of ointment.

And he smells like baloney. And not in a good way. What do I do?

Sincerely,
Troubled at Work

T@W:
Your problem demands some investment of patience and money. When I had the sniffles at work, one lady would always hand me a Kleenex. (Fuckin' bitch. Don't tell me how to handle sniffles. With your fuckin' smug look on your face like you're some kind of authority figure. Fuck off.)

Buy a small jar of Blue Star Ointment and a sample of Tsar cologne. Set it on his desk and repeat this every day with a new jar and sample gift. After a week if he doesn't get the picture then send him an email saying, "Listen, brother. You need to stop scratching your scrotum in front of me. Furthermore, get familiar with a bar of soap. You're over forty and you should allow yourself some dignity. Oh yeah, and don't ever talk to me. Cause I can't hear you over the vision of your balls." 

Space down very far in your email and say, "Let's go have a drink sometime."

Good luck you fucking neurotic co-worker.
Corn