CONTRA ban
After "agreeing to disagree" with regard to legislating any actual gun control, some politicians have decided to attack the problem from a new angle. Now that the censorship of violent video games has become a number one priority in Washington, the following are the only remaining games being made legally available to minors.

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SUPER MARIO BROS: APPROVAL SEEK
Pre-teen Mario and Luigi are in a race to discover who can finish his chores the fastest! The first one to both fold and put away Mommy's guest towels wins the game. But hurry--points are being deducted for opening that smart mouth of yours.

RITALIN RIDE!
Similar to Pac-Man, the protagonist in this game is ordered (by a cuddly, licensed psychiatrist) to eat up the white pills along the path between home and school. Personal demons fade away as more pills are gobbled up. Extra points are earned for battling an enthusiastic Tom Cruise, who attempts to personally, personally, replace the magic medicine with useless vitamins. Careful, player: he'll care about each and every one of you--to death!

50 CENT: WATERPROOF
Live large with the popular hip hop icon as he travels around his neighborhood on a rainy afternoon. The objective? First he must search to find galoshes and a raincoat before leaving the house; then battle other rappers for "the good umbrella." Other pitfalls that befall the young star: a car equipped with faulty windshield wipers, a defunct defogger, and balding tires. Will "Fitty" make it to Pep Boys to repair the vehicle? Only if he drives cautiously, in the right-hand lane, hazzard lights blinking.

KSI: KIDS SCHOOL INVESTIGATION
A multi-player game in which players traverse the halls and classrooms of a public school, earning points for reporting any teachers who are poisoning student's minds (and souls!) with junk like evolutionary theory or non-abstinence-based sex ed. The final level of the game features a fierce battle between the PTA and a female gym teacher who voted against the gay marriage ban.

TETRIS
It's just blocks.

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Kittenpants.
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