The Parallel-Universe New Yorker Congratulates Itself Once Again on Being the Parallel-Universe New Yorker
by Marty Smith

Ayn Rand. The legendary author of The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged will be giving ice-skating lessons all day today at the public rink at Rockefeller Center. In spite of her formidable reputation, Ms. Rand is quite charming and gentle in person, so if you’re not too busy or rich, why not glide by? She’ll be the iron-willed lady standing under the gold-leaf statue of Prometheus in a suit made of money.

MOMA. Members of the Museum's Cornerstone Society are encouraged to swing by an informal wine-and-cheese reception Thursday in the exclusive Cloud Room-- you know how to find it. Jeff Koons will be on hand to sculpt your profile in delicious Alsatian marzipan, and all attendees will receive a complimentary liveried dwarf and a swag bag filled with cocaine, breast implants, and a hank of Michael Ovitz's hair. (Those not already familiar with the Cloud Room should follow the trail of blood round back to the yellow door and throw themselves through quickly.)

Central Park West. Daniel Bouloud, William F. Buckley, Miuccia Prada and Fabrizio Moretti will convene in your living room this afternoon for an informal panel discussion on selected topics including the Iraq conflict, addressing inferiors, and how long a homeless person would be likely to burn if you set one on fire. Your requested donation of four human kidneys goes directly to benefit the Fund for the Whisking Away of the Terminally Dowdy, so don't dither. Program includes a light lunch of tarragon-infused Balsamic vinegar sucked straight from a freshly-laundered napkin.

The Oyster Bar at Grand Central Station. New in town? Author Cormac McCarthy will be sucking dicks under the second table from the right in the back by the lobster tank from 4 to 7, as usual. Mum's the word.

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Marty.
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