The Week in Ashlee Simpson

Sat 10/23: Ashlee has embarrassing misstep on SNL when previously recorded lyrics for the wrong song start playing while her microphone is down at her sides. Exposing her as a lip syncher, sales of her album dip slightly, and one 23 year old liberal arts major decides she is no longer "fuckable."

Sun 10/24: Ashlee is despondent when 350 metric tons of high explosives are stolen from a military complex on her tour bus. She blames her band for the misstep, then recruits Rudy Guliani as her opening act as she continues to tour through 'swing states.'

Mon 10/25: Ashlee wakes up in a bathtub full of tuna fish and Drakkar Noir, with brother-in-law Nick Lachey's hand inside her. Mondays! Sheesh!

Tue 10/26: In an attempt to win back the favor of her fans, Ashlee appears on Late Night with David Letterman. This backfires when Ashlee, seemingly stoned, begins claiming, "I can kick..." while kicking her feet in the air very close to Letterman's face. After the commercial break, she starts a fight with wrestler Jerry Lawler and reunites with Sonny Bono.

Wed 10/27: An eighty-six year old curse is broken when the Boston Red Sox win the World Series after defeating the St. Louis Cardinals in the fourth game. A four year curse is broken when an 86-year-old man gets to second base with Ashlee in the bathroom of a sports bar called The Dugout.

Thu 10/28: Ashlee gets into a poolside catfight with Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid, Hillary Duff, and the Olsen Twins. The clawing, scratching bitchfest which has left each girl panting, exhausted, and soaking wet, is unfortunately caught on tape and circulated on the internet. Over 170,000 men are absent from work the following day; sales of lotion and tissues spike to never-before-seen levels.

Fri 10/29: While visiting Las Vegas, Ashlee elopes with a 32-year-old accountant, only to have it annulled the following morning. Her agent issues the following press release: "OMG! LOL! You Guuyyzz! I'm soooo embarrassed! My band totally said to get married, and then I didn't know what to do!!! My Bad!"

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Robot.

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