INSTRUCTIONS: By now you've listened to the CD tutorial, Shoplifting: Sexy Thrill Ride of Death. You've learned that shoplifting addiction is a disease that affects mostly the poor. Also, if you think about it, it causes innocent millionaires to go broke and beat their children.

Please complete the following quiz and return it to the Justice Building. During the essay portion please avoid sentence fragments, as this may result in jail time.

Question #1. How did you first hear about the Shoplifters Anonymous Program?
a. I saw your attractive add in the Sunday paper.
b. I am participating against my will, as a condition of my sentencing.

Question #2. We were only kidding; we don't have an ad in the Sunday Paper.

Question # 3. What would be a really awesome theme song to play over a video montage about shoplifting?
a. Jane's Addiction, "Been Caught Stealing"
b. Joni Mitchell, "Raised On Robbery"
c. The Smiths, "Shoplifters of the World Unite"
d. Insane Clown Posse, "I Stab People"

Question # 4. Beside the packet that contained this take-home program, you saw a wrinkled $20 bill, attached to a note that read "Dear Susan, here is that $20 I owe you; I'll just leave it here on this table." You took the $20, didn't you?
a. No I didn't.
b. Well played, Shoplifter's Anonymous Mandatory Take-Home Tutorial and Quiz. Well played...

Question # 5. True or false: If God didn't want us to shoplift, he wouldn't have given us poverty and roomy pants.

Question # 6. While watching the movie HEAT, whom did you root for?
a. Al Pacino's detective character
b. Robert DeNiro's thief character
c. Wasn't Tone Loc in that?

Question #7. Yes, Tone Loc was in that.

Question #8. By now you've read the touching real-life testimonial, "Sonny's Story" (on page 7-C of the Workbook), in which a man robs a bank in order to pay for his boyfriend's sex-change operation. What is the moral of this story?
a. Stealing turns you gay.
b. Sex-change operations should be paid for by the government.
c. What is it with you and Al Pacino movies?

Question #9. Hey, why are we stopping here?
a. No reason.
b. Just pull the car around back and wait for me. The Ponderosa's kitchen security is a fucking joke! Let's do this!

Question #10. Do you hear sirens?
a. Shit.
b. (murder/suicide)

ESSAY QUESTION:
So, what did you think of the Shoplifting Quiz? Did you think it was "pretty chill, homeboy"? The Shoplifting Quiz would totally like to be your bud and get together sometime and hang. In the space below please give us a summary of your usual schedule, so that we can figure out when a good time would be to come over and implant a microchip in your choad, er--um... we mean hang out. Shit... we gotta go.

(You may use the back of this page if necessary.)

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Nicholas
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