WHAT YOU MISSED IN LAST NIGHT'S DEBATE
by Kittenpants

Did you know that last night's presidential debate was edited for content? Portions of the event which should not effect the outcome were removed from the televised version. We got the scoop on what you didn't see.

What you didn't hear John Kerry Say:
"Being lectured by the president on fiscal responsibility is a little bit like Tony Soprano talking to me about law and order in this country. The job market in the Clinton years was much like Drea de Matteo's character in the first season: hot. Under the current administration, the job market is more like her character in the second season: not so hot."

"I have a plan to make Drea de Matteo's character hot again."

"Under my plan, the nation will act fiscally responsible. Like Dawson-and-Joey-responsible. John Edwards climbed through my policy-making window and helped me develop a sound, realistic plan. 'President Pacey' here will no doubt throw caution (and your tax dollars) to the wind in order to 'get with' a hot teacher called Corporate Special Interests."

"My fellow Americans, the time for change is now. I don't want to wait for our lives to be over..."

What you didn't hear George Bush Say:
Bob Schieffer: "Mr. President, what do you say to someone in this country who has lost his job to someone overseas who's being paid a fraction of what that job paid here in the United States?"

Bush: "I'd say, Bob, I've got policies to continue to grow our economy and create the jobs of the 21st century. And here's some help for you to go get an education. Here's some help for you to go to a community college."

"Then I'd say, 'You've got two choices: you can use this opportunity to learn Mandarin, move to Taiwan, and take that job back. Or you can build a time machine, travel forward to the 21st century and see for yourself how my policies work out. You could tell us what the future is like. Is the war in Iraq over? Did I win the election?"

"And Bob, let me tell you: if I did win the election, I would look my opponent in the eye. I'd say 'Boo-yah!' And I might do a little dance."

"No, I'd definitely do a dance."

What you didn't hear Bob Schieffer Say:
"Both of you are opposed to gay marriage. But to understand how you have come to that conclusion, I want to ask you a more basic question."

"What do you think of that Queer Eye show?"

***

Partly inspired by Green Mamba.

Feel free to submit your own links/comments.