Yesterday, fans everywhere mourned the loss of actor and activist, Christopher Reeve. I'm sure Elton John is rewriting 'Candle in the Wind'. With all due respect, we at kittenpants would like to remember him in our own way; by digging up this Haypenny classic.

The Chronology of Christopher by Theodore Beck

1952: Christopher Reeve is born in New York in September.

1973: Twenty-one years pass. At some point interest in acting emerges.

1976: Cuts bid at Julliard short, moves to sweet Los Angeles, acts in submarine picture.

1978: Gains 30 pounds for SUPERMAN.

1980: SUPERMAN II solidifies Reeve as bona-fide superstar.

1983: Stars with a freebasing Richard Pryor in SUPERMAN III.

1985: Buys yacht and names it “Soupy Sails”.

1987: Helps write the environmentally conscious script for SUPERMAN IV: Quest For Peace. The screenplay goes through six drafts, sadly wasting massive amounts of paper.

1995: Fractures vertebrae in his spinal column after his horse spooks during a jump. He is paralyzed from the neck down and told by doctors that he will never walk again.

1996: The offending horse is ground into meat for a limited pressing of Superman Dog Chow. Proceeds go to paralysis research.

1998: Reeve pens a tear-duct flogging bestseller, the memoir Still Me, about the trials and tribulations of paralysis. Book goes on to become a paperback.

1996-2000: Dedicates his life to raising awareness for spinal cord injury victims and crusading for a cure. Hollywood film and television stars and President Bill Clinton also campaign for his cause.

2003: A still paralyzed Christopher Reeve dies after a powerful stroke. In his final moments he vows to walk again.

2005: Tests for spinal regeneration are perfected by Harvard scientists.

2006: Tests for human resurrection are perfected by a San Diego cult.

2007: On the four-year anniversary of his death, the President (actor Tommy Lee Jones) demands that Christopher Reeve is resurrected so that he can “walk amongst us.” Robin Williams, sans humor debilitating beard, attends the televised resurrection and is very funny.

Summer 2007: The revived and able Christopher Reeve stars in the surreal SUPERMAN V: BACK PAIN. John Lithgow hams it up as Superman’s new arch nemesis, Equus. Makeup artists burn out from the difficulty of concealing Reeve’s considerable decay.

2008: After spraining his ankle at a charity three-legged race in Sacramento, he campaigns for a cure. He is once again supported by concerned celebrities and President Lee Jones.

2009: Stars in the critically panned, romantic-comedy, SECOND CHANCES, with Gilda Radner.

2010: Takes to wearing filthy Superman cape in public.

2013: Christopher Reeve is hit and killed by a hover carriage in Central Park. The passenger of the carriage being the newly resurrected and freebasing Richard Pryor. Reeve's family decides to lay them both to rest.

2014: Warner Bros. sues the Reeve family, claiming the deceased owes the studio two more Superman pictures and demand for his immediate resurrection. The matter is settled out of court over futuristic Mexican cuisine and ice-cold Corona beer.

2015: Vice President Shrek honors Reeve by claiming January 14th as “Christopher Reeve Day”.

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Link submitted by Matt Tobey

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