What's the point of tattoos anymore? Now everyone has them. When Jared from Subway is flashing his tats, it's time to abandon ship. Except you can't, since they’re permanent and all. Tattoos were cool when only pirates and murderers had them, I guess. But now you see Urkel from Family Matters walking around with "ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME" on his back. Just stick a fork in it. It's done.

I was hanging out in a diner having my usual dinner of 12 cups of coffee, when in walks a guy with a bad ass tattoo prominently displayed up and down his arm. I naturally assumed he had what the media might call "bad boy appeal". But he was with his girlfriend, a blonde princess type, who he kept calling “baby” and saying crap like, “baby I love you so much" while looking deeply into her eyes.

Understandably, all the other miserable pricks at the diner and I are like, "WTF?!?" We can't believe our ears. This guy has a tattoo of a King Cobra snake. I assumed he would actually have some balls, not to mention a venomous neurotoxin in his saliva, capable of killing an elephant. Do you know what a King Cobra's favorite meal is? It's other King Cobras. It's a snake that eats other snakes, which is about as bad as you can get in the snake world (if you don't count my pet shark-eating snake). Did tattoo tough guy order a snake? No. He ordered a veggie burger and a diet 7up. I didn't even know they made a diet version of "the Un-Cola!" Weak.

I waited for him to finish his food and then followed him around for a couple of months, until he finally went to the tattoo parlor for a touch-up. I snuck in wearing my Jerry Garcia Halloween costume from 1996 and pretended to be a tattoo artist. I covered his tattoo up with this one, which was far more appropriate in my opinion.

The moral of the story? Unless you are willing to cut your arms off, and eat your girlfriend, and generally act like a real snake, don't bother with a tough tattoo. Get a tattoo of Tinkerbelle, or the Little Mermaid instead.

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by Franky Pelvis

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