Listen, I've been around the banking block, and I won't stand for your wimpy, whiny, sissy, baby, frou-frou bullshit checking. No more namby-pamby, flimsy-whimsy, silly, petty, pansy, fairy, Lee-press-on, Lilliputian, latte-drinking, punk ass checking.

I need maximum strength checking.

I want super-duper, great dane, strong-like-the-Hulk checking. My money deserves linebacker, stainless steel, kill-the-head-vampire-to-destroy-my-funds checking. I need wicked awesome checking, yo. Seriously.

I need a checking account that knows what I want, when I want it, and acts accordingly. I need a checking account that appears when I need it, and gets the fuck out of my way when I don't, like a ball boy at a tennis match. I need a checking acount that is willing to use force if necessary to fulfill my banking needs. And don't ask me to settle for anything less!

I don't need ATMs on every corner. I need them all along the sidewalk. I want them in the middle of the street. If I didn't need to get cash while crossing the street I would sign up for some tiny, crazy, puny, retarded dwarf checking. But that isn't enough for me. I need to cash the fuck out of my checks, and you need to accomodate me.

Don't let my bank balance get too low. Is it too much to ask for an eMail when I am approaching broke? And can you also please find and contact Debra Rollins (Andrew Jackson Middle School class of 1986) every time I make a deposit for more than $1000? That bitch thinks her shit don't stink. I need a checking account that will inform her it does.

I just want to be happy. And you know what makes me happy? Have you been listening? Checking! Checking that is flexible and vibrant and powerful, with extra-sensory perception; big, strong, strapping, hunky checking that knows what it takes to please a customer. Those tiny, skinny, impotent, lazy, bastard checking accounts couldn't bank their way out of a paper bag. I want full contact, tough-as-nails, burly cowboy checking. I'm talking hard, fast, Wesley-Snipes-bet-on-black checking.

And it should be free. F.R.E.E.E. Freee. Yeah, I know how I spelled it. That's how free it should be.

Call me when you think you're man enough to handle my checking needs. Until then, I'll just keep paying for everything in krugerrands.

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by kittenpants

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