SEXUAL ACTS NAMED AFTER BEVERAGES
I know I've been gone for two weeks, and I'm leaving for two more. Even worse, I'm leaving you with this.

Coke is easy: fucking someone while snorting cocaine. New Coke is fucking someone while snorting heroin. Coke Classic is snorting a line of ladybugs while masturbating to "Glory Days." Cherry Coke is punching a virgin in the face while fucking her teddy bear. Diet Coke is felching Oprah (you go, girl!).

7-Up is getting double fisted by a Vietnam vet who's had three fingers blown off by a grenade. Diet 7-Up is getting pounded by Richard Simmon's seven-pronged demon-cock. Sprite: dressing up like Elves and fucking in a treehouse.

A Sierra Mist is when you cum into the wind so it blows in your lady's face. Then you fuck her with a severed moose cock.

Welch's sounds like "felching," but it's actually hiring a prostitute and leaving without paying. Squirt seems pretty self-explanatory too, but it's actually fucking a dead baby in it's soft spot.

Dr. Pepper is when your gynocologist uses jalapeno flavored lubricant. Dr. Pepper generic brand, Dr. Skipper, is when your gynocologist "examines" you with Barbie's little sister.

Moutain Dew is shoving your penis through the hole in any Dolly Parton CD. Mountain Dew Code Red is like a "chili dog" but with period blood. Generic Brand Mountain Breeze is farting on your girlfriend's tits.

Big Red is, you guessed it: squirting used tampons into your mouth, spitting it into your girlfriend's anus, then letting Conan O'brien toss her salad.

Hawaiian Punch is just like a donkey punch, but you call your partner a "Haole" or "Mainlander" while you're doing it.

Country Time Lemonade: giving your first cousin a Golden Shower.

Kool Aid: sticking an HIV-soaked menthol cigarette up your lady's cooch.

Crystal Light: fucking John Forsythe with a pineapple.

A&W: fucking a girl with both your Ankle and Wang.

Fanta: fucking Santa Claus in front of your adopted Mexican orphan.

Canada Dry: fucking Anne Murray with your clothes on.

Royal Crown: jerking off on Princess Di's grave.

Nehi: sex with Emmanuel Lewis.

NuGrape: Don't. Even. Fucking. Ask.

IBC: Irish Barf Cunnilingus.

Gatorade: dry-humping Bea Arthur's leathery taint.

Pepsi Clear: raping Hallie Eisenberg and getting away with it.

Fresca: fucking priceless oil paintings.

Snapple: ass-fucking your girlfriend with a live turtle.

Clearly Canadian: filling Celine Dion's pussy with ham and pounding away until she calls it bacon.

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Forgive me. Kittenpants, with help from Matt

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