The Lights Are On, But...

"The 'scrapbook industry' is on the front line in the war against Alzheimer's."

"The grave of a man in Ashkelon, Israel, has a headstone shaped like a giant cell phone. The epitaph reads like a text message."

"During the eighteenth century, Charles Hamilton, a wealthy eccentric, paid a hermit $700 to live in a cave in his garden."

"Who was the big bearded friend of Michael Landon on Little House?" [followed immediately by] "Merlin 'muthafuckin' Olsen. I enjoy winning."

"3 mens, 3 holes..."

"I was in a casino in Oklahoma tonight and I saw this girl and thought, 'That is the hippest hipster I have seen since living in Williamsburg.' Then I realized she was retarded."

"Shall I speed walk, gravity boot, or sweat lodge?"

***

Kittenpants.

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