MY CELEBRITY CORRESPONDENCE

Dear Matt Dillon:
I know your friends want to encourage you in your efforts, but I feel (as an obviously better, truer friend) I should make you aware of something. You will never, ever, ever, ever foil a villain.

Put away the cape. Stop looking into the sky for the "Matt signal." And please stop asking me for my opinions of your various catch phrases. Although, for the record, "Holy Fuck! Matt's in town!" is my favorite.

Love,
Kittenpants

Dear Dennis Miller:
You know the MS Word Office Assistant? The paper clip guy that shows up whenever Microsoft thinks you need help with something? You know what I'm talking about. It pops up on your screen with completely useless information and it interrupts your progress and annoys the shit out of you. Clippy! The Paper Clip Helper! Fucking irritating piece of shit.

Anyway, that is sort of what it's like to receive oral sex from you. Thought you should know.

Love,
Kittenpants

Dear Paul Rudd:
Let's make a pact.

Let's say 10 years from this very day, if neither of us is married to anyone else, we'll meet in Niagara Falls and go on a 10-state "rap-metal" celebrity killing spree, starting with Fred Durst.

Let's also agree that if Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson are still married, we try to frame them in some way. And by "some way", I mean by saying to Jessica, "Hey, Jessica, why'd you kill all those rap-metal celebrities?" in the same manner as one would ask, "why are you hitting yourself?"

When we get away with it, we'll retire to the Pacific Northwest, get a 2-bedroom apartment, a subscription to TV Guide, and all the pornography we can swallow. One might say we'll be "living the dream".

See you in 2014!

Love,
Kittenpants

Dear Sam Rockwell:
You are my favorite actress. I saw Mona Lisa Smile, and let me tell you something, Mona Lisa ain't the only one smiling, sister! That Ebert fellow was correct in naming it, "...the most.. .un-... predictable... piece of...'film' I've ever seen!"

Your best work, in my opinion, is still the classic role you played in Pretty Woman. Your character displays all the beauty and wonder of the female sex (by placing it on Richard Gere's penis!). What a role model you have become! Since the release of that film, I think most whores have stopped kissing clients on the lips. Who says one person can't change the world?!

Which brings me to my question. As my mentor, a former whore, and a cracker jack tax attorney, your advice would be appreciated. Do you think this letter is funny? I'm not sure anymore.

Love,
Kittenpants

Dear Matt Damon:
Please return my VHS copy of "Skatetown USA" so that my father's ghost may rest in peace. As you know, he was a huge fan of Swayze's early work, and coupled with Scott Baio, well, you've seen the movie, and you know what a power-duo they can be.

I had hoped that we could come to some sort of peaceful agreement. However, I must warn you that I have acquired a tribe of killer hyenas and they are presently enrolled at the local college learning sign language, home economics, and the internet. Once "Mapquest" is covered next semester, I think they have a very good chance of finding you, and destroying you if necessary.

Love,
Kittenpants

P.S. Is it "tribe" of hyenas? "Troop"? Perhaps "Gaggle"? I never can tell. Please forgive me.

Dear Hopper, Dennis
Fan of O'Connor, Glynnis:
When "Anus" was tested
And "Penis" rejected
Bill Cosby named his son "Ennis".

Anyhoo… just writing to say "what's up?"! Been working on my limericks. I think I'm ready for Reader's Digest Magazine. I've been extra pumped since they accepted my recent "Laughter is the Best Medicine" submission. As I've always said, a punch line is best when it includes the word "fag".

Write soon!

Love,
Kittenpants

Mondays! (Sheesh!)

Hope you're having a better day than me, sweetie.

Love,
Kittenpants

Love,
Kittenpants

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