Q. Whenever I sign on to my computer, I hear a cackling like an old woman laughing and immediately my system shuts down. Is this a virus?
A. No, this is not a virus. Your mother-in-law is crouching unseen behind your workstation, and unplugging you. We don't know what her deal is, but family counseling seems to be in order, unless she's only visiting for a short time.

Q. I log on, and my printer activates without any command from me. The message it prints is always the same: 'Your ink cartridge is filled with guacamole.' Is this a virus, and if so, what can I do about it?
A. No, this is technically not a virus. It is a spam ad for a Mexican restaurant. If the guacamole is made fresh each day, I'd go there and try it.

Q. I log on, and at once two mechanical arms shoot out of the sides of my console, and a voice over the speakers says, 'Warning! Warning!' What can I do about this?
A. You are not even at your computer. You have turned on the TV and are watching a rerun of Lost in Space. Go sit at your computer and I'm sure all will be well.

Q. Every time I use a credit card on line to buy something, a man gets out of his parked car across the street from my house, comes up my walk and knocks on my door, and asks me if there's anything else I need today. Do I have a virus?
A. You do not have a virus, but you do have a spy program in your system that is telling that man a lot about your credit and buying history. Next time he comes knocking, tell him to clean his stuff from your system or you'll take some sort of steps that he'll regret.

Q. I recently bought a new home computer and, even though it's a name brand, it's really starting to smell bad. I've had it a week now, and it's become almost unbearably stinky. What kind of virus is this, and how do I get rid of it?
A. Your cats are using your monitor as a litter box. Throw it away and replace it with a new one. But first, buy a real litter box (with real litter) for your cats, and pronto. Place it far away from your computer.

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