Whenever I mention National Blowjob Day, people always say to me, "Steve, you're being a complete asshole again. There is no such holiday as National Blowjob Day, and you will probably go your whole life without ever experiencing the exquisite sensation of a woman (or women) slurping your penis like a sweet, delicious popsicle."

Some call it the truth, but I call that hopeless negativism. These are the same people who, when there was no such holiday as Mother's Day, said that there was no such holiday as Mother's Day. Of course, as I’ve just conceded, at the time, there was no such holiday as Mother's Day.

But then one Anna Jarvis, of Grafton, West Virginia, began a letter-writing campaign that would ultimately culminate in the signing, by President Woodrow Wilson, of the first official proclamation making Mother’s Day an official national holiday in the year 1914.

And so, yes, it’s true. National Blowjob Day is not an official holiday – yet. But I put it to you today that if Anna Jarvis, a woman of humble beginnings, fueled only by her everlasting love for her saintly but sadly deceased mother, could single-handedly lead the charge for the creation of an official national holiday expressing our love and reverence for the mothers of this country, then I, Steve Douglass, can easily bring about the creation of an official holiday celebrating the vital importance of women sucking my cock.

To that end, I have begun my own letter-writing campaign, and am circulating a petition (already signed by numerous prominent professional athletes, rap artists, televangelists and politicians of both parties, including one former president), with both activities designed specifically to make the dream of a National Blowjob Day a reality.

You could say that the recognition of National Blowjob day has been too long in coming. And, although it’s still not quite here yet, that doesn’t mean that each of us, in our own communities, and in bar bathrooms all across this great land, can’t get a head start on the celebrating. Let all citizens see, by our example, what a joyous and wonderful thing this special day can be.

Hummers are particularly encouraged.

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