When choosing a candidate to endorse, the first thing to figure out is whether you are a Democrat or a Republican.

* If you live near an ocean or Great Lake, then you are probably a Democrat, and you should vote for John F. Kerry.

* If you own guns or feel bad about masturbating, then you are probably a Republican, and you should vote for George W. Bush.

* If you don’t know where you live, and have mixed feelings about touching yourself, then you are probably undecided. I’ve prepared a short biography of each candidate to help you make a decision. (And should reading suddenly become appealing to you, you shiftless bastard, visit the public library. It has a lot of books in it, and a box full of free eyeglasses.)

JOHN KERRY
John Kerry was born on December 11, 1943 at Fitzsimons Army Hospital in Colorado. He went to Yale and was actually roommates with George W. Bush. Early environmentalists, John and George were known to regularly shower in the same stall in order to conserve water.

John Kerry volunteered to go to Vietnam where he won three Purple Hearts, the coveted Arrow of Light, and a Gold Medal in Women’s Gymnastics. Upon returning from the war, Kerry testified before Congress, a pastime made popular by Allen Ginsburg, Arthur Miller, and various members of the International Communist Conspiracy. Kerry’s testimony, however, was cut short when he broke out “the blue material”, including his now infamous routine about how “women got to start cleaning their asses!”

Kerry was elected to the U.S. Senate and became the ranking Democrat on the East Asian and Pacific Affairs Subcommittee, a position that carries with it a Michael-Jordan-level of stardom and the horniest groupies in the world. Kerry’s prestigious marriage to Teresa Heinz was preceded by a lesser-known drunken-Vegas-wedding to Francesca French, heiress to the French’s mustard fortune (also, Kerry once had sex in a men’s room with a girl that would later invent those little frilly toothpicks).

GEORGE W. BUSH
President Bush was born on July 6, 1946, in New Haven, Connecticut, and grew up in and around Midland, Texas. Like many dimwitted sons of millionaires, he spent his 20s and 30s in a fantasy land, floating down a magical river of alcohol in a rowboat made of crack cocaine.

After a brief stint as a wacky inventor for a toy company that left several infants decapitated, he was elected Governor of Texas and went on to break the Guinness record for Most Mentally Retarded People Executed by a Texan. Previously this record had been held by a shadowy drifter known only as The Chainsaw Killer.

As our current President, Bush has distinguished himself from other presidents by wielding a black-and-white sense of morality (more white than black), and a collection of facial expressions that are simultaneously goofy and horrifying; not to mention a collection of quotations that make Dan Quayle breathe a little easier.

When he’s not busy presiding over the most successful terrorist attack ever to occur on American soil, he likes to unwind by golfing, hanging out at his ranch in Texas, and invading Iraq. Should he be re-elected, more military aggression and golf are sure to follow.

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