LOS ANGELES. A fidgety and defensive Mel Gibson announced today plans to re-release his film The Passion Of The Christ, to include additional scenes filmed in Gibson's back yard last weekend. In an effort to highlight even more unnecessarily graphic and visceral images of Jesus' suffering at the hands of Roman soldiers, the new scenes include Indian burns, a hot foot, three scathing insults and a particularly harsh noogie session.

Gibson freely admits that the events depicted are not supported by any historical or Biblical accounts, but instead appeared to him in a vision while Robo-tripping in a hotel sauna.

"Okay," Gibson explained, "maybe the true significance of Christ's suffering is spiritual rather than physical...but have you ever been given an Indian burn? YEOWCH!!!"

"It's important for people to learn history... even if it never happened!" the wild-eyed director heatedly elaborated. He then abruptly left the room and wandered outside into traffic.

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