Ideas I Had for Porn
* Lesbians Who Love Eyelids
* Way Too Circumcised Fellows
* Teens, Beans and Spleens
* Leather-Clad Office-Supply Fetishists Getting It On With Aging Pastry Chefs
* Michael Chabon-Themed Orgies
* Puppies and MILFs Bathed in Beef Gravy
* Schoolgirls Gangbanged By Blues Legends
* The NPR Washington Bureau Gone Wild

Ideas I Had for Corn
* Corn in the cob
* Colonel Kernel: Military-Themed Corn Mascot
* Corn-powered sunglasses
* Premium equestrian equipment made solely from creamed corn
* Corn pants
* A musical documentary about the role of corn in the construction of the Hoover Dam
* Cost-effective and energy-efficient corn-based skateboards
* Corn porn

Ideas I Had While Forlorn
* Selling all of my worldly possessions and donating the money to Apathy for Tots
* Drowning my tears by drinking a six-gallon drum of other tears
* Becoming Nick Drake’s biographer
* Punching a shark
* Getting a tattoo of Calvin peeing on the Japanese character for “soul”
* Becoming Nick Cave’s cartographer
* Grinding into a powder, snorting: all of my Elliott Smith CDs
* Making some really gloomy porn

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