With the increasing popularity of answering machines and voicemail comes an increasing need for hot, clever, offensive, informative or just plain funny outgoing messages. Below are some suggestions. Feel free to use these outgoing messages as you please, without having to pay royalties!

• I'm not here, so have a beer on me [sound of beer being poured into a glass]. Too bad beer gives you a bad case of the farts! [fart sound] (beep)

• Thank you for calling Taco Sauce Eaters Anonymous. We don't exist, but wouldn't that be some shit if we did? (beep)

• Hi, and thanks for calling [Name]. Seriously, I really appreciate the call. I appreciate it so much, that I'm going to do you a favor, friend. In the movie Die Hard, the "terrorists" aren't really terrorists, they're smart crooks trying to trick the feds into helping them open the vault. Oh, and at the end Bruce Willis kills all the bad dudes and goes home with Bonnie Bedelia! Now you don't have to see that flick! (beep)

• Howdy, Bunghole! The 21st century called! It said to email me! (beep)

• Greetings, fellow headbangers! This is Ricky Rachtman. I'm probably at a Dangerous Toys concert, or just maybe I'm banging at a Vinnie Vincent gig. Or perhaps I'm even rocking to some Faster Pussycat! Psyche! This is [Name], not Ricky Rachtman. That dude's a fruitball!

• Kids are dying all over the world and you're wasting your time playing around with the goddamn phone. You should be ashamed of yourself. (beep)

• I won't lie to you, caller, times is tough. Times is tough all over, and that goes double for the answering machine industry. So, it shouldn't come as any surprise when I tell you that I fired my answering machine four months ago. It was a real beauty too, with all the bells and whistles. It was like something outta Star Wars or some shit. Anyway, now all I gots is this one that accidentally murders every caller at the sound of the beep! (beep)

• John? (beep)

• [Machine gun sound effect] Ah! They gots me, pallie! My 'ol friend the mob done me wrong. [Machine gun sound effect] I can't believes theys done me wrong after alls the love I's given 'em. [Machine gun sound effect] Ah! That smarts, pallie. Keep ya nose clean, kid! [Machine gun sound effect] (beep)

• Hello. Thank you for your call. Due to you calling, we are closed. Please do not ever call back. [fart sound] (beep)

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