Your Social Life
When you come to college be sure to learn a musical instrument. This is the key to getting the ladies...into your room to tell you to shut the fuck up. You'll see quiet hours posted everywhere, but as a college student you have to look past signs and rules and look for the deeper meaning. In this case, the deeper meaning is, "Buddy! You should jam on your guitar in the study lounge until you learn every note of ACDC's "Shook Me All Night long".

Choosing a Major
Let's face it: the economy is in trouble, due primarily to the fact that Bush has spent half the nation's budget on ceramic NASCAR collector's plates from the Home Shopping Network. These days, "majoring in Liberal Arts" is another way of saying "majoring in living in my parents' basement eating stale pizza crust." Going to med school means you'll graduate just in time to die and have your corpse cut open and examined by other med students. Law majors only exist to be hated by me, as do business majors and philosophy majors. In fact, I think being hated by me is the most popular major. Majoring in computer science says, "Hi, I'm Asian."

Study Habits
Prepare to spend a lot of money on books from which you probably won’t read more than a chapter. No matter what a teacher tells you, do not read the pages he gives you. If (for some reason) you do read them, deny it when asked. Otherwise the teacher will ask you to give an in-depth explanation on how the book related to quantum differential mechanics. Trust me. The books are better used as beer coasters, or kindling in the large nazi-esque book burnings that college students partake in when they get bored.

Professors
Most teachers are looking for one specific answer to any given question. It is much like playing MadLibs except there is only one right answer and it might be a noun, adjective, or the diameter of Pluto. Take, for instance, the following example:

The Wrong Answer

Professor Sullivan: "If you had infinite chances in an infinite number of worlds what would you choose to do with your life?"

You: "I think I’d like to be an astronaut."

Professor Sullivan: "I'm sorry, but the correct answer is 'boy toy for your teacher.' Now put this on."

Cheating
If you aren't willing to sleep with your teacher, cheating will become essential for passing your classes. There are all sorts of intelligent ways to cheat ranging from text messaging, to sending smoke signals with your bong. Just be careful about the more paranoid teachers. If you make eye contact with them you will be considered a cheater, even if you aren't taking a test.

Office Hours
Never ever talk to your teacher after class. You will be trapped in a time warp; your only means of escape being a flux capacitor and a smooth-talking Michael J. Fox. Any opportunity a teacher has to discuss his meandering ideas with you is nothing but a trap to kill you with sheer boredom and save themselves the chore of having to grade you.

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