College life isn't so much about "college" and "life" as it is about "vomiting" and "STDs". Some say college is the stepping stone towards a job and a nice house. Others say it's more like a stepping stone toward a liver transplant and a host of eating disorders. Well, not so much a stepping stone, but rather a brick that you throw through a BMW's windshield in a drunken rage. The following is a guide to dorm life on a college campus. If you don't live in a dorm, this doesn't apply to you, you filthy, commuting bastard. You are a dirty outsider.

Roommates
It's good to know where you stand with your roommates from day one. To test their breaking limits, do stuff like leave the Spice Girls CD on repeat for at least a month, or urinate on their faces while they sleep. Your roommates might say, "Stop that!" or, "I'll fucking gut you and drape myself in your intestines," but it's standard procedure, really. My roommates only communicate to me through hisses now.

Elevators
I think elevators are in some union where they get the hours of 6 to 12, holidays, and "the days where they don't feel like fucking working" off. If you happen to be carrying something heavy they are under contractual obligation to not work. If you do happen to get on the elevator, never look at what floor the elevator is on because this will prompt it to stay there until Pauly Shore is nominated for an Academy Award.

Eating
Your food choices are limited. The only form of currency in a dorm is Ramen (and Adderoll...but only to help you concentrate on eating your ramen.) Eating in the cafeteria is an option, however keep in mind that a team of scientists is watching you through a one-way mirror monitoring your behavior, waiting to see who snaps first and begins acting like the "black guy" on the Real World.

Know your Area
If you live in a dorm, the distance from point A to point B suddenly becomes longer. Any place farther than a 10-minute walk is grounds for sending a postcard. Getting up to go to the fridge is a job often decided by drawing straws. Going to class is something that requires a team of sherpas and a sponsorship from Timberland. You will begin using any excuse not to venture to class, such as, "the gravity feels weird today" or, "my finals aren't for another 20 seconds."

Drinking
In college it's easier to develop a drinking problem than it is to catch SARS at a massage parlor. There are very good odds that you will wake up four years later with a, "what the fuck just happened?" look on your face. This is a direct result of the alcohol. Unless you were just in a regular coma. In that case, this article has nothing to do with you. Please stop reading and go get hit by a bus again because Carrot Top is still doing those AT&T commercials.

Laundry
Do not wash your clothes for as long as humanly possible. Soon the department of chemical and biological warfare will come knocking, asking for samples of your boxers. Students wearing clean clothing are often mistaken for "outsiders" or "commuters" and they will be summarily executed.

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