People always want to know how I'm so good at acting like a celebrity. Well, if you want to be a celebrity imposter, filthy or not, you'd be better off killing yourself, because no one can pull off the look and the voice of everyone from Barbara Hershey to Quincy Jones like yours truly.

But, the look and the voice are only half of it. If you don't know how to act like a celebrity, some real celebrity will be on to you in no time and you'll end up in one of that celebrity's dungeons. And if you don't think every celebrity has at least eight dungeons, you should let a Mountain Dew bottle full of some guy with AIDS's snot read this instead of you, because it's got more sense than you, ass-nuts!

Anyway, since you'll never pull off the look and sound of a celebrity like me, I'll let you in on the three keys to acting like one. You'd better be thankful too. Next time I see you, you should give me oral sex with a mouthful of Stovetop Stuffing.

1. Whenever you walk into a celebrity's mansion, be like, "Nice mansion... Not!" They'll instantly know how hot-shit you are. One time, I was pretending to be Dennis Quaid and I forgot to say "Nice mansion... Not!" to Bruce Springsteen. He gave me a look and I could tell he was suspicious, so I had to punch his dog in the face to show him I'm hot-shit. That was a close one, but he was so impressed, he gave me six limos.

2. Man or woman, nothing gets a celebrity hotter than being fisted with a handful of bees.

3. Make sure you're really good at barfing up corn-dogs.

Last night, I dressed up like Woody Harrelson and showed up at a Woody Harrelson fan-club meeting. The girls there freaked out so much when they saw me that I was standing ankle-deep in their pee in no time.

So I said, "Who's the biggest Woody Harrelson fan here?"

They all started screaming, but I could see it in the eyes of this one girl, that she was the true biggest fan. Her name was Becky.

"Becky," I said, "if you really love me, you'll come with me to the Red Roof Inn and get buck-wild nasty with me."

So, we went to the Red Roof Inn, put our naked butts against each other and pooped into each other's butt-holes, back and forth until our two poops were one.

It was so romantic, Becky died.

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