kp: Who is the worst comedian you've ever seen?
em: Honestly, I forget their names. I saw someone recently that made me furious. It was just like high-energy sound effects with no point. He made fun of fat people in a totally dislikeable way. It was just so bad. People seemed to enjoy it though. Sometimes you see someone who has a ridiculous gimmick or something and that can be upsetting. Like I’ve seen people just be like, “My family is craaaazy. Can I have a show about it?” And the answer is, “No, you can’t.”

kp: Have you ever worn more than one pair of underpants at a time?
em: I don’t think so. I have worn two helmets though. The second is useless.

kp: Where did you learn to dance?
em: In the streets of Moscow. I was in a gang of Jewish kids that danced for honor.

kp: Some time ago, one of our female readers asked me if you were straight, and if so, available. Do you want to answer her question?
em: I am straight and single. Though I like gay things like food and fancy pants. Still, if she was a real woman, she wouldn’t go through you, she would Friendster me and say something crazy and then disappear.

cm: When did you move here from Russia?
em: When I was four and a half.

kp: Did you get a lot of "commie" remarks? Did you see the movie "Russkies"? Did it make you cry?
em: Yes. And yes. I was very hated a child (till about 11th grade) by other kids. At first I think it was that I was a weak immigrant, and then it was just kind of cool to hate me. I was like a foreign country, say Russia, that brought people together through their hatred of me. Anyway, it’s why I do comedy now and want approval from pretty girls.

cm: You ever hang out at Brighton Beach?
em: I have.

cm: Are those restaurants expensive?
em: There are some that are and some that aren’t, I think. There is one that if you look straight at it, it is $1000! (That is over four hundred pirogi!)

cm: Tell us about D' Lightnin'. When's that album coming out?
em: In Defnember. When’s that? Never!

kp: Was “Step Away From the Erogenous Zones” ever made?
em: Yes. It was a short film someone made in college that I came up with the title for.

cm: Who is Stakanov and do you fancy yourself like him?
em: Don’t know. Yes?

kp: What's your favorite part of stand up?
em: The breast. (Read in a nervous, Woodly Allenesque tone).

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