To John Lennon I leave my chest of drawers full of used up Beach Boys memorabilia. To Uptown Julie Brown I leave my house, my cat, my cat, my cat, my cat and my cat and my dog and my dog. To my mother, Downtown Glenda Brown I leave my husband and whatever’s left in my secret sink.

To the last person and the first person to show up to this reading I leave all the money I have. The money is not to be split 50/50 but 20/80 and which person gets which amount of money is to be decided by the six middlest people to show up. To my dog I leave every excuse I’ve ever made. To the Screen Actors Guild I leave that I always rub my face to act intense or worried in scenes.

To Gregg I leave all of the secrets I’ve learned about the history of the Christian religion. Secrets including, but not limited to, the fact that Martin Luther was not only opinionated, but also very attractive. To my three slaves I leave the honor of being the slaves of the next Pope. To the next Pope I leave my Gone Wild videotape library.

To the president of my fan club I leave all of my bras. To the president of my bra club I leave my cold dead boobs. To my mother I leave my homemade sex videos. To my dad I leave all of my love and affection and whatever you can find at my house.