Early morning of my 37th birthday, I awoke, as always, in my Aquaman footie pajamas. I bolted downstairs to see what Bell Biv Devoe had left for me. No, I don't actually know BBD, but my parents understand what a huge fan I am, and convinced me that BBD sends me presents every year on my birthday.

Why my parents thought Bell Biv Devoe would send me tail lights for an 84' Le Sabre is beyond me, but if it was from BBD, I was determined to squeeze every ounce of fun I could out of those tail lights. And boy did I ever. I even took a bath with them, I was so excited. I totally lost track of time and my mom had to drag me out of the tub, screaming bloody murder.

Anyway, I grabbed my lunch, tied on my Keds, popped those tail lights in my Earth, Wind & Fire backpack and headed off to my job at Chase Manhattan Mortgage. As I chained my Huffy around the pillar outside my building, Frankie Perkins, the Eastern Regional Manager and all around stinkyface, told me he liked my backpack. But he said it in a real smart-alecky way, so I told him he was poopy and ran into the building.

When I got into my office, my secretary, Janice, told me that our weekly board meeting had just started. Oh no! Chairman Bob Stenson was gonna clobber me for sure. I grabbed my day planner, laptop, and an Apple-Mango Hi-C fruit box and ran to the conference room. As I was running, Frankie Perkins intercommed the entire floor that I made babies with Marcie Scoggins! Gross! I turned to yell at him but then tripped and skinned my knee. I started crying. This was the worst birthday ever!

Janice iced my knee and called my Mom. Then my Mom called Frankie's Mom at the Nursing Home and she made him apologize, but I know he didn't mean it. He's such a dum-dum. Anyway, after Janice put a band-aid on my knee and gave me a lolly I went to the board meeting. I don't know if it was sympathy or what, but that skinned knee and knowing Frankie was going to be demoted to Assistant District Mananger must've lit a fire under me. I really impressed the board. They are going to be laying off the entire Eastern office and condensing it into one central location, and they want ME to be vice president of the entire mortgage division! My new office is right next to a sweetass roller rink! Awesome!

Actually, none of the above actually happened. I may be delirious from a massive loss of blood. I guess I was in a shootout with the ATF over some farmland. I would've had some of them, too, if I had a real gun and not a super-soaker filled with holy water. I guess that only works on vampires.

I guess the lesson to be learned from all of this is that the ATF doesn't hire vampires.

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