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Predictions for the Third Season of 24

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  • After saving the president's life (once again), Jack Bauer will receive a medal of honor and will be deemed "Ford Tough".

  • If Mary Lynn Rajskub sasses off to Jack one more time, he's gonna saw her head clean off.

  • The people of the USA are hesitant to re-elect a black president who is dating a rich white lady doctor. However, the people of the USA will be shown a very special episode of DIFF'RENT STROKES in which Kimberly dates that guy who Arnold finds out is racist and when Kimberly hears this, she dresses in black-face for the costume party and the guy freaks out and shit...

    After that, the people of the USA will learn about accepting people for who they are and will totally re-elect President Blackman.

  • Taking full advantage of his nemesis' classic nemesis-name, at some point, Jack Bauer will drop to his knees, raise his fists skyward, and shout 'SALAZAAAAARRR!!".

  • Jack Bauer kills Salazar with three episodes/hours left to go. It is only then that Jack's true enemy is revealed, because apparently Salazar was not the head vampire.

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PAGE ONE
INTERVIEW: Eugene Mirman
FEATURE: Predictions for the Third Season of 24
FEATURE: Celebrity Wills
FEATURE: Eminem
FEATURE: So Your Daughter Wants a Boob Job
FEATURE: Fables of the Reconstruction
FEATURE: Worst Birthday Ever
COLUMN: Music News + Reviews
COLUMN: Corn Mo's Tales of Wonder
COLUMN: Mostly...by Franky Pelvis
COLUMN: Video Fun with Tim and Eric
COLUMN: Filthy Celebrity Imposter
 

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