Life getting you down? Existence seem dry, empty, and stale like a can of beer you found behind the radiator? Maybe what you need is a nickname. Scratch that. What you need is a nickname.

How can you deny the appeal of it? You remember the last time you were sitting in that coffee bar, wishing your latte was a beer, reading Gravity’s Rainbow wishing it was a “graphic novel”, and you heard the following exchange:

“What’s up T-Bone?”
“Cracker Jack. What’s up with you man? How’s The Whip?”

...and so on. Wow. How can you get in on that camaraderie, that familiarity with a slight hint of deprecation, that confidence even? With a nickname, that’s how. There’s plenty of good reasons get one, and none not to.

Reasons to:

1. It’s cool. ‘Nuff said.

2. Saving time/Resting the mouth. In this madcap, bustling world who has time to say someone’s whole name? "God Boy", for instance, is much faster and easier than saying "Jesus H. Christ on a pizza slice". I think that’s self-evident.

3. Doing it for the kids. You care about your friends, right? You want them to look cool and save some of their precious time, right? If you add 1 and 2 you get 3, right? When you have a nickname you give your friends the opportunity to both look cool and save time. (You’re very magnanimous. Your nickname should be "Mother-Fucking Teresa".)

4. Establishing a clearly delineated network of friends (i.e. pissing on your territory). Much like a rancher uses blistering hot metal to easily identify his chattel to outsiders, the use of your nickname will easily identify your friends to others.

5. Brand name recognition. Everybody is named "Michelle", but how many people are called "Hell-on-Heels"?

Reasons not to:

Like I said, there are no reasons not to.

So how do you go about choosing your nickname?

You don’t. Much like a college roommate, or a Korean wife, a nickname has to be chosen for you.

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