An excerpt from the recently-published “Owen & Steve’s Big Book of British Euphemisms for Masturbating

• Dating my downstairs neighbor
• Teatime
• Making a cucumber sandwich
• Performing Hamlet
• Making three quid from a pound
• Pulling a few strokes on the Reginald
• Riding the tube
• Tipping the barber
• Saying "Lord Jones is dead" to people who never knew Lord Jones was alive
• Attending public school
• Touring the colonies
• Dancing with the tubby Dutchman
• Voting Labour
• Peppering the forcemeat
• Continental handshake
• Making a pudding (with the Earl of Wessex)
• Praying with The Bishop
• Battling Napoleon
• The Royal "I"
• Wrestling in the House of Commons
• A bit of the don’t mind if I do
• Rugby
• Phoning me nephew
• Sir Elton’s holiday / Welshman’s holiday
• Reading me Balzac
• Fighting for Scottish / Irish independence
• Bangers and mash
• Playing solitaire (with the Earl of Wessex)
• Divide and conquer
• Visiting the servant’s quarters
• Fucking my hand
• Spreading the Vegemite / Marmite
• Addressing the Parliament
• Pleating me trousers / Starching me cuffs
• Writing a letter to The Guardian
• Striking two lagers and lime, because I’m fucking my hand
• Lord Havington’s privilege
• The Jewish Question

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