Hello friend.

Please don't be afraid. It is I, former Chicago frontman Peter Cetera. I have left the physical world and have become one with the internet. I know all and see all.

Go ahead. Test me. You want a recipe for low-fat lemon squares? Got it. Can't get enough of the Joanie Loves Chachi episode guide? I got that too. Was Richard III killed by a wild dwarf named Hector Skabolski? Only I know the answer. I dare you to challenge my knowledge.

But there is something missing. Don't get me wrong--having the vast knowledge of the internet at my disposal is wonderful. I can fill out crossword puzzles instantaneously and I have every porn site password imaginable.

The fact is, even with all the wonderous information on earth, all I really want is a toffee nut frappaccino.

I guess I didn't think this whole thing through.