I had never intended on revealing my source, but it seems my tight lips and trustworthiness couldn't save my dear friend, so identifying him is no longer consequential. My courageous informer was none other than photographer Herb Ritts.

I met Rittsy early last year at a Wendy's Old Fashioned Hamburgers in Tempe, Arizona. Filthy and disoriented, he appeared to have suffered a concussion after a rollerblading stunt gone awry and had been wandering aimlessly for thousands of miles before collapsing into my Big Bacon Classic. I carried Herb back to the condo I was subletting and nursed him back to health over the course of the following month.

As his strength and wits returned, Herb and I became intimate confidants and before we finally parted ways, he held me in a sibling-like embrace and whispered into my ear the world's deepest and darkest of secrets; secrets I now share with you all.

While I have already begun investigating the involvement of the cast of NBC's Scrubs in acts of terror, they can rest easy until I have irrefutable proof. The Eagles, on the other hand, are not so lucky.

Fact: In 1971, Don "The Jackal" Henley and Glenn "The Jackal" Frey formed a blood pact with each other in Jackson Browne's basement, vowing to dedicate their lives and musical talents to liberticide.

Fact: Bernie "The Jackal" Leadon and Randy "The Jackal" Meisner, upon leaving the band in the mid-70s, underwent extensive plastic surgery before assassinating and stealing the identities of Queen Elizabeth II and Muammar Qaddafi, respectively.

Fact: Don "The Dragon" Wilson is not in The Eagles and is likely, as they say, "clean."

If you're shocked by any of this, you're more jaded than I had originally feared. My dear people, you don't turn a ten-track greatest hits compilation into the best-selling album of all-time without dabbling in a little tyranny. And by "a little tyranny" I mean a lot of tyranny and a heaping helping of the black arts. Hell Freezes Over indeed!

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