"But that doesn't make any sense!" you're surely screaming, confused, frightened and naked, as you've suddenly ceased to trust even the clothes upon your back.

This is a culture that encourages the wearing of tennis rackets on one's shoes. Sense is not something they are in the business of making. And that is without even broaching their illogical, irrational and nonsensical practice of kissing with noses. Anyone who has ever had the misfortune of being on either end of an Eskimo blow-job is more than aware that there is terror billowing from within the igloos of these so-called north-people.

If you've been blown away by my indictment of the Eskimos, just imagine how you'll react when you get to the end of this sentence and discover the involvement of the Harlem Globetrotters.

"But they can't be terrorists. They were on Scooby Doo!" you're hollering to anyone who will listen, continuing until you're too hoarse to be heard or your very lungs bleed.

“So were Pol Pot and Mama Cass!” I’d retort, were I in the room with you.

Fact: In 1973, in an attempt to establish his standing among elite figures in the world of secret international bodies of hegemony, Curly Neal ate alive half-a-dozen high-ranking freemasons.

Terror lives in red, white and blue shorts. If this is a little difficult for you to swallow, you're not alone. I just received this email:

Dear Matthew Tobey,

Just who do you think you are, accusing the Eskimos and Harlem Globetrotters of even thinking about terrorism? These are two of the most beloved organizations our world has to offer, and they have long been friends of your and my United States, sir. Why, in World War II, the Harlem Globetrotters carried our brave boys on their backs, across enemy lines, like human tanks. And let us never forget that Lady Bird Johnson and John Sununu were both of Inuit descent, God rest their souls. What's more, Sandra Day O'Connor was born of Globetrotters and raised by our chilly friends from up-north when her parents died of exhaustion and multiple bullet and bayonet wounds in the second World War.

Shame on you. If you're to continue such bold accusations, I must demand that you offer some explanation as to how you came to possess these lies that you so callously and casually spew, like so much spew-juice.

Yours,
Zach Braff
and the Cast of NBC's "Scrubs"

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