Note: The following text by Haypenny's Matthew Tobey originally appeared in a slightly different form on Neal Pollack's the Maelstrom. That said, if you enjoy reading it, you should buy Neal's book and give Matthew Tobey one million dollars.

Over the next several hundred words, friends and enemies, truth will be exposed, while opinions, editorials and op/eds lay by the wayside, clinging to life by mere threads after being lambasted by cold, hard, ass-shattering facts.

I must begin by pointing out that you're all fools. You can't be blamed, however. You've been blinded by a combination of bright, shining lies and wool over your eyes. Even our fine president—easily one of the most aromatic commanders in chief since Wilson, maybe even Tyler—even he fails to see the forest for the trees.

The middle-eastern "terrorists" are decoys! There, I said it. Osama bin Laden and his band of troublemakers are simply a front, an out-of-work acting troupe, down on their luck and willing to do anything to make a few bucks, even pose as a large international terrorist organization bent on destroying all that is big and tasty in the world.

"But who is behind it all?" you're shouting at your computer screen, sweating and/or weeping with shock, anticipation and shockticipation. I'll tell you who. I'll tell all of you. Though I'm risking my reputation as an editor of a popular but revenue-free wit/lit website as well as putting myself and my family in danger, I will spill the beans that no one wants spilled. But be warned, the truth is so mind-boggling, so soul-rattling, so flies-in-the-face-of-everything-your-parents-teachers-and-clergy-have-ever-taught-you, that you might never look at yourself the same way ever again, especially if you're a terrorist.

Osama bin Laden and his Al Qaeda Community Players Guild have been contracted to perform as the terror side of the War on Terror by a conglomeration of several groups with one common goal: to disable freedom and spread evil. Like earthbound Skeletors for the new millennium, these monsters have no idealistic or religious agenda, just an undying thirst to make the good and free relinquish and wither in the darkness of their hot, musty shadow.

It will come as a great surprise to many, but won't even incite a crook of a brow from a few, that one of the most prominent peoples involved in this amalgamation of iniquity are the Eskimos. Don't bother picking your jaw up off the floor, you'll just end up picking it up again and again as you read on. The Eskimos want it that way.

Fact: Of the 27 Inuit words for "snow," eleven are "death to liberty and free-market economics."

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