This weekend I saw Mrs. Greenblatt's fourth and fifth graders annual play.

In past years, Mrs. Greenblatt and her motley crew have struggled to entertain with modern day retellings of classic literature (Snow White and the Seven People and Red Riding Hood: A Pre-Feminist Introduction to Ritual Rape and Incest). This year was no exception; the classes offered: Jack Sprat, the Hidden Culture of Male Eating Disorders.

If wishes were Hello Kitty t-shirt wearing whores, then Magda Carter would win the Hello Kitty t-shirt wearing whore contest! Her performance as Jack Sprat's Dr. Atkins obsessed housewife was made all the more grueling by her tiresome clichéd use of the phrase: "Like whatever". Little hint here Magda, maybe a little less glitter in your hair and more acting lessons. You make Mariah Carey seem like a master thespian and Kieko the killer whale could act circles around you.

Playing Jack was Chen Liro. The only thing straight about this kid was his face. He looks like a reject from a GAP commercial. Why Greenblatt chose him is beyond me, but he may want to mull over his next role. Unless it involves him being smothered with a pillow. If it does, Chen, let the pillow actually get a word in, and try not to say the word, "um" during your death throes.

The supporting cast, as usual, was under used. The musical score was like that of the strangled pleas of help from a fly being crushed under the blackened boot of a Nazi, living in a one-bedroom apartment above a bakery/brothel in Paris. I think the highlight of the entire evening was when a bystander stood up and began to mercilessly scream at everyone to get off the "F'ing" stage before being ejected from the gymnasium by the security guards.

As an added note, because of that forced ejection and denial of my First Amendment rights, I will be suing Witherspoon Elementary for emotional damage, as well as dry cleaning for my coat.

You don't screw with this theatre critic, you SOBs.

***