This is an actual quote from msn.accesshollywood.com:

"Ben Affleck, who played an oil driller who goes into space to help save the world in "Armageddon," was glad he had to work Saturday so he could take his mind off the explosion of the shuttle Columbia."

What the f...?! That made me confused and sad. Here are some more ideas for what I would do if I was in charge of Television.

NECESSARILY THE NEWS
A nightly network news program in which Rich Hall's sniglets have been replaced by actual news stories from around the world. The show will include truth, facts, and the retelling of events that have a direct effect on our society.

Not included: stories about lost kitties or puppies, or the lady at Wal-mart who hands out stickers; stories about Penelope Cruz, or the premiere of HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS; fake traffic scares; Pat O'Brien.

ALL ABOUT AVRIL
Someone give this girl her own show, so we can stop talking about her already. If I have to read "She's not your typical pop star..." one more time, I am going to bitch-slap Canada.

CELEBRITY MOLE
A documentary about Cindy Crawford

TRADING PLACES, SPACES, AND AUTOMOBILES
Eddie Murphy and the ghost of John Candy team up to bring us affordable design ideas with that celebrity touch. This week: Dan Akroyd rearranges Nick Nolte's guest room and Nolte drives his car into Akroyd's kitchen. Will he like it? Eddie Murphy goes "Ha! Ha! Ha!" in that way that he does, then turns into a distinguished vampire.

SUPERMARKET SWEEP
The graveyard shift custodial staff of a local Key Food competes for next Friday off. Categories include push broom, mop, and that electric floor-buffer thingy.

WHO WANTS TO MARRY LARRY KING?
Finally, we combine America's thirst for "reality TV marriage" shows with young ladies' thirst for the hand of Larry King.

COMEDY EQUALS TRAGEDY PLUS TIME
Mel Brooks hosts this game show in which contestants try to calculate the soonest possible time they can recycle their Challenger space shuttle jokes into new Columbia space shuttle jokes.

THE "I MISS WILL FERRELL" SHOW
Currently in production under the title "Saturday Night Live". It needs more cowbell.

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