This morning, as I hungrily wandered the streets of Queens, I did something I hadn't done since catching e.coli from the ill-fated Arch Deluxe ten years ago: I entered a McDonalds establishment.

I kept hearing about this amazing dollar menu, and although I didn't know what a Big & Tasty is, I knew it was something I wanted. But how was I to order it with a straight face? It sounds like something I'd order at a porn shop. Like my blueberry-flavored King Dong. Just kidding. Heh. Yeah. Kidding.

But to get a huge meal for only a buck... well, that's worth any potential embarrassment. So I puffed up my chest, strode up to the cashier, and said, "Give me a Big and Tasty! Pronto, knave!"

"We're only serving breakfast, ma'am." (People call me ma'am for some reason. Seriously. I can't figure it out - it's like my curse.)

I scanned the breakfast menu above me and settled on the Egg & Sausage Biscuit. Five minutes later, I was sitting in front of my "breakfast". The Egg & Sausage Biscuit was DRIPPING in oil. I mean, the oil had soaked through the wax wrapper and then soaked through the paper mat on my tray. It was the foulest thing I'd ever seen. Why would a biscuit be soaking wet with oil? I had to wipe my hands between each bite, because oil was dripping down to my wrists.

It tasted great though. That egg & sausage biscuit saved my life.

I mean, getting a normal egg and sausage sandwich from any deli or diner would have tasted better and been $2 cheaper. But for a small, $3.59 microwave-cooked egg sandwich that was dripping in oil, it wasn't that bad.

I also enjoyed my hashbrown - a single, large hashbrown that tasted suspiciously like McDonalds french fries smashed together and deep-fried to a crisp.

My coffee was completely undrinkable, though. I dunno, one would think that a multi-billion dollar company in the food industry should be able to brew a semi-decent pot of coffee. Not so. This bitter, coffee-flavored water made me want to kill myself. I'll never drink coffee again. And the strange thing is that McDonalds is now offering CAPPUCCINO! WTF?

All in all, a disappointing breakfast. For the same amount of money, I could've gotten my Bad Jew Deluxe at the local diner - a dozen strips of bacon, four sausages, and french toast over a bed of ham with coffee, toast, and orange juice. Breakfast of champions, my friends. Breakfast of champions.