People come to me. They say, "Hey. Mr. Lawyer. Get off my porch. It's midnight. Can't you read the sign?""

I usually say, "Of course I can read the sign. I'm a lawyer. You think I got through law school without being able to read? What do you think we did in law school? Let me tell you. It certainly wasn't sleeping all night long."

And they say, "Listen, you idiot. What does the sign say?"

I usually switch my briefcase to my other hand at this point because the briefcase is heavy and I've usually been leaning on the doorbell for fifteen to twenty minutes waiting for these people to wake up and open the damn door. Then I step forward and peer at the sign and confidently report my findings.

"It says, 'No Soliciting.'"

I usually let the homeowner stand there in silence for a moment or two, letting the sweet smell of my victory inhabit his nostrils and permeate the cavity of his teeny brain, and then, when I can take the suspense no longer, I say, "Yeah, Sign Guy. I read it. I read it good. 'No Soliciting.' Been there, done that. Now what? You want me to read something else? Bring it on, Bozo."

The door is usually slammed shut by this time, but often I keep talking because it has always been my conviction that homeowners like to know who's doing what and for how long and why on their front porches, and so, imputing that motivation to individual homeowners, I conclude that, more often than not, the homeowner is listening on the other side of the door or perhaps peering down from an upstairs window. Eventually, my commitment to our relationship will shame the homeowner for not reciprocating in kind, and so, invariably, the homeowner will participate by shouting additional questions, such as, "What the hell are you still doing here?" or "How many shoes do I have to throw before I cut you with my wife's stilletto heels?"

All this genial banter aside, I, Mr. Lawyer, am here at midnight on your porch only to help. The following homeowners, as you'll read, were quite eloquent in posing their queries to me, and I, Mr. Lawyer, am always (rest assured) eloquent in my responses.

SUBSTANTIAL SEXUAL PERFORMANCE
Underachiever: My girlfriend complains that I can't perform sexually. I mean, I do fine. I have no problems. It's just her. I can't make it pleasurable for her. I go all out, I try hard, but I'm done and she's not and she's all, "Again with this shit? Fuck," and I'm all, "What the hell, you're not even trying," and she's, like, "Try this, I'm gonna sue your ass for breach of contract," and I'm, like, "What the fuck," and she's, like, "Breach of motherfucking sexual contract. If I'm not getting laid, then I'm getting paid." I mean, Jesus Christ, Mr. Lawyer. Can she really sue me?

Mr. Lawyer: In contract law, parties can be deemed to have fulfilled their contractual obligations if they have substantially performed their duties according to the contract. This doctrine is called "substantial performance." Its purpose is to protect people who have acted in good faith from being sued by mean-spirited people for maybe missing a few things, forgetting to do this or that, leaving a last little bit undone. It's a threshold requirement for getting into court. The courts don't want to deal with piddly stuff in every contract under the sun, and usually it's more expensive for both parties to go to court than to just say, "To hell with it," and move on.