Have you noticed that the U.S. economy is going to hell in a hovercraft? I'm no economist, but I've figured out three (3) things about this:

1. When things seem good, they're really bad, because of inflation. Inflation makes things cost more and more.
2. When things seem bad, they're bad, because people get stingy and try to put their money into banks instead of spending it the second they get it.
3. Europe doesn't have this problem. They still sit around speaking European and eating ancient and expensive cheeses. This is somehow related to them having recently converted all of their currency to Euros.

In light of these indisputable facts, it seems obvious to me that America needs a change. I propose a simple one, and hear me out: We should convert all of our currency to gyros -- delicious Mediterranean pita sandwiches. This would have a least three (3), and possibly up to thirty, advantages:

1. Inflation wouldn't really be possible. I'm figuring the average consumer could carry around five (5) gyros, maybe up to ten (10) if he or she had a box. Thus, nothing could really cost very much. Little things, like buttons and kittens, could cost half a gyro, or maybe a few bites. Maybe really cheap things could cost a gyro that fell on the floor.
2. Workers would be paid every day in hot, fresh gyros, which they would want to spend within about forty-eight (48) hours, before the sauce started to smell funny. No one would even think of putting their gyros in a bank.
3. Scenes involving money would become inherently entertaining. Stick-up men would empty bags of gyros onto their hotel beds and roll around in the meat. A leering, drunk businessman could, with some difficulty, tuck a gyro into the g-string of a gyrating stripper.

These amazing changes would in turn eliminate countless other problems and annoyances, such as spare change, embezzlement, college, and real estate. Also, those creepy magnetic strips they put in denominations bigger than five now. Gyros could have several denominations, including beef, chicken, soy product, and lamb.

Like I said, I don't know much about economics, and I sure don't pretend to have all the answers. Should the gyros have shredded lettuce, to ease the transition from paper money and provide fiber? Should the new currency have a standard, or should it float? Floating seems like it's always a good thing, but a Lamb Standard is also compelling. Anyway, these questions will likely resolve themselves once we make the basic change.

We must change. We must have gyros. Now.