Once again, we present: TV shows we would produce, if only they'd let us.

THE CHARLES BRONSON SHOW
This Oprah-style talk show focuses mainly on women's issues, and is hosted by everybody's favorite lovable grouch, Charles Bronson. Regular features like “self breast examinations”, “coping with menopause”, “how to deal with an abusive spouse”, and the "Death Wish Book Club" make this new show “must see TV” for the housewife or mother who cares. It’s important subject matter for every woman, and every Charles Bronson fan.

This week: Psychologist Sgt. Chas Axelrod, USMC, counsels an abused 45-year-old homemaker from Stockton, CA. Plus, easy recipes for the single mom on the go. Death Wish Book Club selections: WILL by G. Gordon Liddy, MEIN KAMPF, by Adolph Hitler, and HEARTBURN by Nora Ephron.

SHIRT AND PANTS
An hour-long drama created by Law and Order’s Dick Wolf. The first half of the show revolves around shirts (Who’s wearing them? What color are they?), while the last half gives the audience the pant’s perspective (Who’s not wearing them? How does this relate to shirts?).

SOUTH AMERICAN WILDERNESS KINDERGARTEN
A new adventure/children’s show filmed live at a daycare in the jungles of Bolivia. It centers around a group of nine-year-olds who are taught the ABCs of learning by a pack of wild boars, three boa constrictors, a rogue jackal, and four rather large, carnivorous baboons. The focus is on fun as these kids learn how to read, and how to disguise one’s self as a shrub to avoid being devoured alive by an instructor.

This Week: the class improves basic math skills by counting the pieces left of little Jimmy’s torso after he is “punished” for stealing berries from Principal Koko.

LEMONS AND LIMES!
A cooking show for best friends.

THE MASTURBATING CHEF (now on MH's FOOD channel)
A hot new British import on PBS—this cooking show features England’s most renowned chef, Lindsay Wyman, doing what he does best: cooking traditional English dishes, then masturbating in them.

This Week: Chef Wyman lovingly prepares an old-fashioned Shepherd’s pie, masturbates in it, and serves it to the studio audience. Nobody can tell the difference.

SHIRTS AND PANTS: SVU
Dick Wolf does it again! This show delves further into the lives, loves, and the harsh reality of New York City’s heroic clothing separates. You could say Wolf has covered this topic top to bottom!

X-MEN
Mutated transsexual Ecstasy-peddling pornographers with super powers.