This, of course, will warrant an immediate trip to a medical clinic to get tested for drug use.

When you get there and the nurse gives you forms to fill out, under no circumstances should you write "Xandar Kopplestein" for your name, "Nope" for your social security number, and a picture of a pony for your birthdate.

And then, if you are sitting in the lobby and the nurse calls out, "Is there a Xandar Kopplestein here? There's a problem with your form," you should probably just go up and explain that you were fooling around and offer to fix the problem. Otherwise, you're apt to get kicked out of the place when you say, "Listen here, Lenny. The problem isn't my form, it's the form itself. The whole damn thing is flawed! Flawed with a capital 'F' and with a couple of other letters following that. Lady, I've seen flawed forms in my day, but this form takes the cake. A proverbial cake. There's no real cake. Sorry to get your hopes up."

When you return to work and as soon as your boss approached you, hesitantly and with a security guard a short distance behind her, you might want to consider not saying, "Lenny, I'm sorry things had to work out as they have. You and I, we could've made this place great." When she asks, "What's happened to you, Steve?" don't shrug and then pretend like you know how to tap dance.

On the long drive home, smiling that toothy smile you have all the way, don't decide to call your girlfriend on your cell phone to describe everything that happened because it'll be the last straw and she'll probably break up with you. Then, don't call your parents to tell them about losing your job and about Diane leaving you, because it'll just make them worry more. And above all, don't then call your old elementary school and ask to speak with your fourth grade teacher, because they'll think it's important and urgently pull him out in the middle of class, put him on the phone, and when you say something nonsensical he'll ask who you are.

And, please, for my sake, don't say, "It's me Lenny, you old chowder head."