This is why, as your fourth prong, you will begin attempting to retain some small measure of your dignity by transforming unpleasant situations into hilarious episodes. When you make a fool of yourself by openly mocking Person X, a powerful figure at your company, believing that she is nowhere around, only to discover that she is actually standing right behind you and has heard everything you've just said, say something like, "Boy, this is funny!" Then, laugh uproariously and in a contagious fashion and hope for the best.

Other points to consider:

• Love burgers? Can't stop eating them? Prongs may not be for you.
• Own more than one self-help book? It is too late and prongs will not help you.
• Love puns and fancy yourself clever? You are probably just the sort of person prongs should be used against.

Thinking about burgers, though, big people can be happy too. Some fat people are very funny. But, if you are not comfortable with your weight, if you complain about it and profess to want to do something about it, and then only keep shoveling down the burgers, three of four at a sitting, you're not trying hard enough, and you have no business claiming to be involved with a pronged strategy of any kind.

Don't flatter yourself.

On the other hand, I enjoy the occasional beer, and people are always telling me, "hey, slow down," and I never do. What do they know? I mean, are they perfect? No. Nobody is. I've changed my mind. All you burger lovers go ahead and try the four-pronged strategy. I mean that. We're all going to get through this thing just fine.

In summary, remember that no one ever said that using prongs would be easy, or that it would solve all your problems, or even help at all. Don't get greedy. You are new to prongs, and it may take a considerable amount of time before you are really able to see even the slightest bit of change for the better in your life. And, even then, backsliding is always possible; inevitable, even.

Prongs are not a guarantee of anything. An ill conceived or improperly implemented prong can actually be the cause of considerable pain and suffering. Don't let this scare you, though. You have the whole rest of your life to be afraid.

Today, try something new. Lay off the burgers. Have some self-respect. Pay the phone bill before they shut your phone off, instead of after. Make a change. Try a pronged approach to the problem, for once in your miserable life.