March 22, 1984: Buffalo, NY
Sweetness! Somehow, someway my performance tonight broke the stage at Buffalo Memorial Auditorium! It was pure, unadulterated sweetness. And anybody who knows anything about Mr. Alexander Van Halen knows that sweetness is my weakness!

Unfortunately, I was so weakened by the sweetness that I couldn’t attend the after show party, which according to David Lee, turned out to be the best after show party to date. Michael Anthony mistook his bottle of Jack Daniels—the kind you can drink—for his Jack Daniels signature bass—the kind you can play—and plugged it into an amplifier! Needless to say, Michael Anthony was electrocuted!

Apparently, after two hours of Michael Anthony’s unconscious, shake-fest, Edward threatened to urinate on another Mad-Anthony signature: The Tobasco Bottle Shaped Bass. Needless to say, Michael Anthony leaped to his feet and fucking smacked Edward into next millennium before a drop of piss even thought about hitting the spicy bass!

Which reminds me, I’m supposed to get some drums shaped like non-drum things or else I’m out of the band. Here’s my list so far:

• Flying Gurnards
• Guitars
• Hot Chick’s Bodies
• Alex Van Halens
• Tartar Sauce Bottles

April 17, 1984: Toronto, ON
The Velcros are our new opening act and they blow. I will never fake-marry any of them! We took to calling them "The Vel-blows" until we finally had to admit to ourselves that it’s a pretty weak nickname. Fortunately for us, "Van Sucken" was equally pathetic.

July 16, 1984: Dallas, TX
Well, tonight was the last show of our biggest tour to date and I’m beat like a drum. We now get a month break before heading off to Europe for the Monsters of Rock Tour. My goal is to become Germany’s Chancellor of Rock!

God has answered my prayers and given the lead singer of The Velcros bone cancer.