January 24, 1984: Little Rock, AR
I love my drums. It’s been driving me categorically bonkers that I haven’t been able to come up with a rockin’ way to show the fans exactly how much I adore my lil’ babies (drums). That all changed tonight in Little Rock during my second drum solo.

I’m busy pounding mad-beats on my Luddies when all of a sudden Michael Anthony starts pouring Jack Daniels all over my right-most bass drum. Something hits me when the cannon fires—not a cannon ball, but an idea! I jump over my kit and begin licking the J.D. off of my drums. The more I lick, the more Michael Anthony pours, until it becomes apparent that I plan to give my entire drum kit a thorough tongue-bath.

I’m positive that every rock ‘n roller in the Barton Coliseum tonight left with a firm understanding of just how much I worship my skins. That is, unless they assume I was showing my love for the J.D. I mean, I love J.D. too, but I hope there’s no confusion.

January 29, 1984: Birmingham, AL
We went out to dinner before the show and decided to ask our opening act Autograph to join us. What a great group of guys! David Lee came up with this crazy idea that our bands should get fake-married to each other as a way of symbolizing the new friendship. Both bands unanimously agreed that it was the best idea we’d ever heard in our entire lives. I fake-proposed to drummer Keni Richards, who whole-heartedly accepted.

Things momentarily soured when Edward’s new partner Steven Lynch expressed his annoyance with Edward’s decision to eat his meal with his back to the table. All the madness was remedied after Edward explained that he was simply “guarding his chewing technique from the rest of us.” Duh!

February 7, 1984: Dayton, OH
I bought a new drum. The drum I bought rules and is heavy.

February 14, 1984: Charlotte, NC
Apparently the salesman at Casey’s Drums in downtown Charlotte thinks he’s some kinda drum wizard. Mr. Drum Flunky tried to tell me that it’s physically impossible to play a kit with a quintuple bass drum. I told him that I do it every night in arenas across the country. At which point, Mr. Non-Drummer tried to tell me that I’m not actually playing all five bass drums at once because I only have two feet and that the only way to play all five bass drums at once would be to assemble a special drum pedal with the capability of simultaneously pounding all the bass drums at once, which, according to him, would be “stupid and make no real difference in the overall sound.” He proceeded to explain to me that my quintuple bass drum setup sounds no different than a double bass drum setup. I was crazy-pissed, but I told him that I saw his point. I ordered a sixth bass drum and the fella turned out to be a good sport, as he threw in a pair of magic drumsticks at no extra charge!