Your bike is so lame. Every time you sit on it you have to move your feet forward in a circular motion, just to get it to go anywhere.

You are so fucking French. You walked down the street in Paris and baguettes followed you back to the hotel.

Your dog is so ugly. She looks as if she fell off the "ugly tree" and hit one or two of the ugliest branches, which made dents and bruises on her face and fur, and which are, ironically, the only beautiful things about her.

Your cell phone is so cancerous. When you watch "KINDERGARTEN COP" and Arnold Schwarzenegger says "It's not a tumor.." you have to yell back, "It IS a tumor!" Because you have a tumor. In your head. From talking on the cell phone. Haven't you been listening? Hello? Hel-looooo...?

Your cell phone service provider is so unreliable, you probably didn't even hear that last one.

You're so immature. You like to have sex with 8-year-olds. Wait, I guess that makes you a pervert. Wait, I guess that makes me a pervert, too.

You are so totally useless. If you were to quit your job, the only person who would notice is you. And your wife and family. And the guy that's hired to reposess your car. And the homeless guy you stab to death in a fight over a can of ravioli.

Your penis is so small. Or perhaps your breasts are so large, it only looks small by comparison.

Your web design skills are so inferior, it's like that year at the Art Institute was totally wasted on you.

You're so blind. When Stevie Wonder met you he was like, "Dude, you are totally blind." And you were like, "How would you know, Stevie Wonder? You can't see me." And Stevie was all, "I never said I was Stevie Wonder - how did YOU know?" And as it turns out, you've both just been faking it for a very long time.

Your ears are so dirty. I only wish you had a mouth to match.

Your photographs are so blurry that I wish I hadn't already used Stevie Wonder in that earlier insult.

You are so evil. You've received rejection letters from Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed, the Dalai Lama, Sting, the ghost of Charles Schulz, and Penthouse Forum.

Those pants are so ugly. Why not just make a big sign that says "I have horrible taste in pants!"? Then you could cut the sign into a pattern, and sew it into a pair of pants and wear the sign-pants instead of those pants.

You make the worst toast. What is so fucking hard?