It's Mr. Cardone! Or rather, the man I was thinking of when my mind created Mr. Cardone-Mr. Colby! I must have dozed off for a few hours because I don't remember giving Mr. Colby permission to rub my arms. No way! Mr. Colby did this same thing to Lucy and Susie when he subbed at the junior high. He must have mistaken me for a young, black girl wearing a sleeveless shirt.

"Excuse me Mr. Colby, but I think you've mistaken me for a young, black girl wearing a sleeveless shirt."

"My bad." He stands up and begins to fish the keys out of his pocket.

"Pardon me, but didn't you go to prison or something?" He really is the best-looking person ever to appear on a Degrassi show. Perhaps that's why they continue to bring him back. I mean, I'm a huge fan of Caitlin and Tessa, but neither of them can touch the Colbster.

"Sure did. Tell me, does Lucy still go here?" I shrug, even though I know for a fact that Lucy, the brave, feminist filmmaker appears in every high school episode.

"Do you happen to know if Mr. Garcia (the math teacher from Degrassi Jr. High) ended up having a daughter that is now Jr. High-aged, but so advanced for her age that she happens to attend this very high school and has the fashion sense to know that all girls everywhere should only wear sleeveless shirts?"

What the shit!? This is my episode? I'm the guy who has to stop Mr. Colby from molesting a third time? That's so tired. I won't let it happen.

"Mr. Colby, what are you doing here?" It's Heather and Erica. They look frightened. Holy fuck are they ugly! I realize that this show is all about being really real, but to see the twins up close is to experience a double helping of pain like no other.

"He was just leaving, Heather and Erica. He was a-boot to leave so we can all get to first period on time!" I say, squinting-an attempt to blur the twins into ordinary skanks.

"No I wasn't. In fact, I'm supposed to sub for Mr. Raditch's English class today."

"Wake up Colby! This ain't grade eight any more! Raditch is the Principal now and he's out sick today. That makes me Substitute Principal and that makes you outta here!" I feel so tough. Yick and Arthur have joined the party. They are hideous.

"What's going on everyone?" It's Joey Jeremiah! I quickly slip into my role as Substitute Principle and remove Joey's hat in near-Raditch style.

"You know the rules, Jeremiah!" I bark.

"Screw that Pops! Mr. Colby's gotta a knife!" Shouts Melanie, Kathleen, Shane, BLT, Stephanie, Bart, Scooter, Tabi, Simon, Blaine, Cindy and a host of other minor, unattractive characters. All disgusting. All wonderful.

Mr. Colby does in fact have a knife and Wheels and Snake are pissed about it-by the way, Wheels and Snake are now here. I am standing at the school's main entrance with a good chunk of the Degrassi student body and a knife-wielding, convicted child molester. It's insane!

All at once Spike takes charge.