Welcome to 2001!

If you're new to the world of kittenpants, you may not know of a certain Jon 'Corn Mo' Cunningham who is a favorite musician, correspondent, interviewee, and special friend. If this is the case, then you MUST make it your New Year's Resolution to get to know him in your own way.

The way I recommend is by buying his very exciting first CD which he finally released at the end of last year. CORN MO: I HOPE YOU WIN might not make it into SPIN's list of 100 best albums this year, but I bet in 10 years it makes it to the top of the list of ALBUMS WE SHOULD HAVE MADE YOU BUY, BUT WERE TOO RETARDED AT THE TIME TO EVEN KNOW ABOUT AND WE SINCERELY APOLOGIZE. In fact, I almost guarantee it.

This first CD of (hopefully) thousands to come serves as an introduction to Corn Mo - a way to ease you into the arm chair of Corn Mo's musical hugs and temporarily relieve you of all worries. And while it in no way compares to an actual live Corn Mo show (which I recommend EVEN MORE) it does help you get through the times when you can't be at a Corn Mo show. The 13 tracks are like musical Reeses Pieces that allow Corn Mo to lure you to his bedroom closet of dreams. You, in turn, will feel your spirit dressed up like a cowgirl by Drew Barrymore, and, as it plays, you can pretend that Dee Wallace cannot see you amongst the stuffed animals.

So let's get to the vital stats:

On the Chris Weber scale I'd have to give it an It's real Good.

On the Siskel and Ebert scale I'd give it a Two Thumbs Up! Although, again, it's no comparison to Corn Mo live. Just ask actor/comedian David Cross, who came to a show in Atlanta, GA, just a few weeks ago. Seriously, ask him, because he won't return my emails.

My favorite song is HERSHEY'S MINIATURES, but I am a sucker for the classics. It was a very close race with SHINE ON, GOLDEN WARRIOR, which is a must-have for any wrestling fan. Or non-wrestling fan. Or your mom. But HERSHEY'S MINIATURES contains possibly the worst/best impression of Christopher Walken I've ever heard. Ever.

It's good to listen to in the car, or when you're sad, or when you're drinking a beer and cleaning your kitchen, or watching TV with the sound off.

It is also good to put on while you're at the office, especially if you're at a new job and you want people to get to know you. Just put it on, and all day people will say,

"What are you listening to?!"

and you will say,
"Why, It's Corn Mo! Duh! Haven't you ever heard of Corn Mo?!"

and they will say,
"No..."

and then you will hold up your fingers in the sign of the cross and make an evil hissing noise and they will back away from your desk slowly. And although they will remain aloof, it is probably only because they are intimidated by you, and frankly, I think they're jealous.

It's better than broccoli, ice cream--even as good as hot dogs. The live show beats hot dogs hands down.

So, to review: It's real good, 2 thumbs up, car, sad, beer, clean kitchen, TV/no sound, office politics, hotdogs.

Contact Corn Mo for your very own copy, and to find out where to see him perform live. He might even give you his phone number so you can call him up and he will play you a song over the phone. It's the perfect Mother's Day gift.

*****IN OTHER NEWS*****

If Corn Mo was a car, it would have a bumper sticker that reads, "My other car is 357 LOVER." 357 LOVER is like Corn Mo PLUS. And at this year's New Year's Eve event at the Good/Bad Art Collective in Brooklyn, they astounded all within earshot with performances of MAYBE TONIGHT and ANGEL (BRING YOUR LOVE DOWN FARTHER).

Now available are some free promo CDs in which you can live the full 357 LOVER experience. However, if you are like me you got a CD that has some glitches, and it makes you sad because you are in the throes of GERMAN LADY SPECIAL ecstasy and then the sound disappears as if your headphones are shorting out, when in fact, you aren't even wearing any headphones. My advice, if this happens, is to create a website, start a newsletter, and write nice things about 357 LOVER in hopes that someone will send you a new un-glitchy copy of the CD.

As for the rest of the G/BAC show, it was fun times for all, including Mr. Martin Iles, who celebrates a birthday on December 31, every year. Happy Birthday, buddy!

Further evidence of good times appeared in the form of a magical performance by the artists formerly known as EFF. They've since changed their name to something about 'Corpus Christi' which I can never remember, but in my heart, they will always be ELECTRIC FREESTYLE FANTASY. As usual, it was a show to remember. If you've never seen a former college classmate wearing a pumpkin-face-mask use the 'stem' to simulate anal sex with a faux Mexican wrestler in a unicorn wig, to the beat of some crazy-ass glam rock, well then, really, what have you seen in this world that's worth seeing?

What do YOU think, America? Be sure to send your comments to kittenpants@hotmail.com.