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You're Hired!
by Zuko

Your potential employer wants to know that you possess certain qualities. Slip the following guaranteed-to-get-you-noticed phrases into your next interview or resume. Then go home and wait for the offers to roll in!

  good better best
Responsible I am a foster parent to 80 extremely special needs children. I am currently the Interim Prime Minister of Iraq. I wash my hands 40 times an hour, as well as the hands of anybody else around.
Intelligent I am a graduate of the 'School of Life'. I tYPED almost all of this msyelf. I'm smarter than you, Asswipe.
Skilled I'm on Atkins. I put together a lamp, once. I got "mad skillz".
Involved in the Community I build houses for Habitat for Humanity. I break dance for Pennies for Babies. I regurgitate food for homeless birdies.
Have References The Reverend Sunyung Moon is a buddy of mine. I own the Oxford English Dictionary. Here's 50 bucks.
Have Interests My interests are really interesting. My interests are really, really interesting. I'm a skeet-shooting champion!

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PAGE ONE
INTERVIEW: Calvin Johnson
FEATURE: Rock Lottery Returns
FEATURE: Dear Extreme Makeover
FEATURE: You're Hired!
FEATURE: Why I Switched...
FEATURE: Eduardo Sanchez: MFG
FEATURE: Samuel L. Jackson
FEATURE: More Follow-Ups to one-Hit Wonders
COLUMN: Corn Mo's Tales of Wonder
COLUMN: Video Fun with Tim and Eric
COLUMN: Filthy Celebrity Imposter
MUSIC: News + Reviews
MUSIC: Adam interviews Jordan Knight
MUSIC: SadBanjo interviews Gold Hick
 

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